August 3, 2011: Tick Tock...Tick Tock... seems like this is taking forever. I feel huge, but I think I'm more bloated than full of baby! I can't complain as I've not been sick one time as far as throwing food up... just nausea here and there. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable in the bed at night and seem to only be able to sleep with 3 pillows around me, one at the head and one at the front and back of me. Because I'm not showing Bilal seems to be struggling on the side of sensitivity with me... guess that is expected. It's been a few days since I've cried for no reason at all or for reasons I should, and it feels good. I felt like the first 3months God was just giving me extra tears to flood my lap. Everyone kept saying I would have a cry baby because all I could do was cry. Though this may be TMI... I've been beyond constipated and feeling like I shouldn't eat anything at all for days on days. I can't wait to go back to the doctor... we got some talking to do! August 8, will mark my 3rd appointment with my mid wife and I'm excited to hear the baby's heartbeat again. I wish I could find out exactly what's growing inside of me (boy or girl), but patience is a must. I have started working out here and there and been extremely exhausted but if I hear one more person tell me what I NEED TO DO... I'm going to blow! =) Until next time....
August 9, 2011: Heard a soft, calm, steady heartbeat yesterday at the doctor!!! Cannot wait until Sept.6 to find out if we will be calling my belly Taylor or Bella. I think it's time to start talking to my belly more often and reading stories... and well I can already tell you that he or she will be a vocalist! (Thanks to mommy..not so much daddy) lol. I sing 24-7 to this child. We make up songs together and sing my favorites in the car from the ipod! We've gone back as far as the Emotions, Aretha Franklin, Luther Vandross, Natalie Cole, Patti LaBelle, all the way to Beyonce'! I've been on a 90's overload lately and Jade, Shanice, De La Soul, Aaron Hall, Arrested Development, Brownstone, Dove Shack, En Vogue, Guy, Heavy D, Hi-Five, Karyn White, Kris Kross, Men at Large, Oleta Adams, & Zhane'! (juuuuust to name a few!) This baby will definitely be taking piano lessons... all of us had to growing up in my family. Might as well carry on the tradition! On to another note, Bilal and I are getting more and more excited each day to welcome our baby... I think the fear is all still there, however a peace is coming over the both of us and reality is checking! On to the next few weeks to see if we can feel the baby kick!! p.s. I've been getting my work outs in... Yesterday I even did an hour of Zumba! And tonight we are going to the gym... i'm attempting to do a jog! Talk to you soon!
August 18, 2011: Soooo... here come the emotions and I don't mean the singing group! I do thank each and everyone of you for commenting and sharing such caring thoughts with me. It really does mean the world and it lifts my spirits in more ways than you could ever imagine. I've been a river overflowing lately and it's like it just keeps picking up! I swear I have got to run out of tears before it's over. I can't imagine that after all of the tears I've shed, I'm not all dried up! lol. I know everyone keeps saying, "when you give birth, nothing will matter and it will be the greatest love you've ever felt." I am holding everyone accountable who has said this to me! hahahaa. It seems so much easier to say than to believe right now. I am getting excited, but have those crazy preggo lady dream-mares & fearful days where I think, "oh no, wait, the stork dropped a kid off at the wrong address!" It may sound much more harsh than it seems, but I honestly always pictured having a child with someone like this perfect story that God put together, because I wanted to beat all of the odds. However, I don't think I'm beating the odds of anything... And I don't want this to be a complaining post, however let me just add that the prenatal massage I got yesterday feels like I didn't even get it. This pain in my back feels like my kid is growing under my left shoulder blade rather than in my belly. And did I mention how fat I feel? I'm already sick of granny panties and I'm gaining weight like the biggest loser! Ok, so this is going to be that ONE post of complaints. I'm starting to fall out of love with the boy name and I think I like Baylor instead of Taylor. For some reason I really like Baylor Adonis, but that's neither here nor there. I was told I was shallow for using the term, "normal names." I have too much time on my hands and dwell on so many things lately - so I've made a list of organizations I can start to volunteer with to help the less fortunate. I was thinking of adding myself to that list of less fortunate. LOL. (you have to laugh with me...) I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel like some of the closer people to me are as close as they used to be. And I'm having a battle with faith feeling a little like Job, but my good friend Shaun King is climbing Mt. Rainier as we speak and I can only see how great God is from that and well the fact that I'm gaining 8lbs in 2 weeks and kids are dying in Somalia from starvation and that I'm not homeless. I thank God for my trials though I do not know His purpose or plan. But as I've said before, C'est La Vie! Amen, so be it.
p.s. I promise next time I will be in better spirits like a tv mom!
Oh wait, I did want to say this... so I got a text the other day that babys-r-us was having a $5 and under sale and I COULDN'T BUY ANYTHING because it was all white or yellow and still looked girly and I don't know what I'm having. I did buy the Intelligender at home test kit and it said I was having a _______! Buuuut simply because it's not an accurate ultra sound, I am not telling anyone until 9/6/11!!! ok, bye!
August 22, 2011: I wanted to dedicate a post to my God Mother Paul Hardin who saved my life one night in Kroger. Well, not really my life, but you know how God places you somewhere at the right time for a reason and has someone cross your path for a reason. Well, she was there at the right time - and to tell you the truth, I actually went grocery shopping so late so I could avoid seeing or having to converse with anyone. Ironically I couldn't avoid her and I'm glad. She gave the most uplifting words as she was about to send her middle child off to college. And I realize more and more everyday (even though I already knew this), that though we may not go through the same struggles, sometimes we share the same feelings only for different circumstances. She walked beside me pushing cart next to cart and we laughed and shared some hugs. I thank God for the people, whether blood related or not who God has placed in my life. And if you are one of them, God mother or not, THANK YOU.
August 24, 2011: So, I wanted to buy something a week ago, but I knew it had to be unisex for now... and then I was in a store the other day and found something else. Bilal is convinced that the long sleeve onesie is for a girl, but I have never seen a little girl wear frogs, so technically... it's for a boy, BUT if it so happens we have a little Arabella... she will be wearing this onesie with frogs! =)
And THANK YOU to everyone who has offered me hand-me-downs! I have been a Goodwill shopper at heart for myself and will continue... of course we stay fresh - lol - however, I am not picky when it comes to saving and accepting what others no longer need that I can use and possibly even pass along! Kids in East Africa are starving... we are blessed! So, if you know anyone who has anything, I'm up for giving it a look at and probably taking home the same day! FYI - I've had 2 offers of breast pumps, so check that off the list! =)
...Love & Light...
September 1, 2011: Lying there listening to Donny Hathaway/s "A Song For You" because it was mentioned in a blog called www.mybrownbaby.com - I laughed because she too had a list of unnecessary items as must-haves in the delivery room with her (the blogger) and this was one of the songs... I won't mention my list of songs I want played and the extra little details in the delivery room. But the song seemed so perfect as Donny begins to belt out, "I've been so many places in my life and time..I know your image of me is what I hoped to be... There's no one more important to me, baby, I'm singing this song to you... " - yea I left a few lyrics out, but those were most fitting. I've realized how much I will have to put aside so many things (or people) in order to get to what's necessary in my life. Like the blogger stated in her post, "I went to the hospital with my favorite book and song and boom box, cute pajamas, a pretty dress for the baby, a going home outfit for myself and my favorite... Grape now-n-laters. However, when the contractions began, I didn't have time for anything, nothing!"... But to focus on the importance of the life she was giving this World. I think I've said enough there for you to understand where I'm headed!
But then... As I allowed the Hathaway Collection to play on I came across the song, "To Be Young, Gifted, and Black" ..."because you know in this world, there are a million boys and girls who are young gifted and black, that's a fact"... Well guess what I placed against my belly... You got it! I put this iPhone right there as inspiration. See, because while I haven't any time to waste on the unnecessary THINGS in life so that this child can be just that... Young, gifted, and black; this child has time for growth & mistakes, but the only option is to be great. So great, I've contemplated on the names, Fierce, Honor, & Cherish lately. I don't think you understand, see, we are getting baby a passport before hopefully talking age! We have things to do and learn! Michelle Obama said in her documentary on BET last Sunday on Africa as she met Nelson Mandela with her mother and children.... "These are things we are responsible for and owe to our children... Those things we didn't grow up thinking were possible." Well, I thank my mother for that 7th grade spring break... Shipping me to LA all alone to meet up with family friends. She sparked something in me many of my friends don't know much about or care to know about... TRAVELING, but without fear to go alone and with a deeper interest to see the World. Now I still have some places to knock off of my lifes to do list and well looks like I've got a partner to show and tell the story with. We are about to create history or HERstory!
If you're reading this today... Know that strength comes in our heart first. If you feel it, you have the ability to believe in it even more and soon after comes the knowledge to achieve it. Good luck with your lifes to do list as it is never too late. We are in charge of our own destiny. No one or thing is worth compromising Gods will for your life. Can you imagine meeting the person God actually intended for you to be? Go meet him or her! RUN! :-)
LOVE & LIGHT
September 3, 2011: I want to thank EVERYONE who looks at the site I created whether you post or not... Thank you very much! Bilal keeps mentioning wanting to write something but I think a small selfish part of me feels like, "you're not pregnant.. What do you have to say?" lol no, but I'm getting over that. I will be honest and say I felt like Erykah Badu when she said, "I'm an artist & I'm sensitive about my ____!"
Anyhow, we will see how he feels when he finds out he is having a girl on Tuesday!! Lol Its just a running joke...
Either way, all is well. We will raise this child like two parents should agree to do. The thing we agree on most aside from my liking Taylor and Bella as soon as he came up with those names is making sure the child is first no matter the situation at hand. This baby is the center of our focus no matter what dream either of us chooses to chase in our individual lives! Make no mistake we will not be the average - as neither of us has ever wanted to raise a child in KY. Bilal wants a big family and I not so much... You can see from my page as an only child to his as the youngest of 5, why we think the way we do. I was going to leave it at the few pics & Bilal wanted to add the full family photos. It's been emotional for him going through pictures of him as a kid and of his family with his dad, so only right we pay tribute as was done for his father. He mentioned doing a page of people we've lost that were close to us aside from the obvious already mentioned... Still a thought. It's just this generic site only allows so many pages so we may be adding pictures to our individual pages instead. For someone not so computer savvy or patient, he has been very instrumental in the sprucing up of the site! Lol Bilal is a country boy and well I... Not so much! So I see him down south and me further north giving this baby the best of both worlds, but who knows! All I know is Bilals has 1yr to get a passport before we are mailing him postcards! He said he wants to learn to swim but I won't hold my breath on that lol. I got this! We will be eating seafood, swimming overseas and he will be eating cheese & green olive pizza and teriyaki chicken only watching us! Like my last post said... We (samantha & baby) have a lifes to do list to finish! =)
•Bilals sleeps with the body pillow like he's with child! Lol
•I'm going hard on this workout with Miss Tara Johnson so I don't get THAT GUT and keep whatever else is coming and trying to stay!
•I'm cooking like no other... Always have, but now I think Bilal thinks he's a judge on food network! I won't mention this near homeade lemon cake the family wants this Sunday! Lol (thanks Toya, I learned from the best in college!)
•last.... TUESDAY IS THE BIG DAY!!!!
Again... Thank you, ALL OF YOU... who are keeping up with me on this journey. No matter how many times you look at this site it's upping the numbers and that's to my advantage so keep checking in! In less than 1 month you've given us over thousands of views.
September 12, 2011: I will be honest and admit that it hasn't been easy for me to write anything extremely sincere since last Tuesday. Yes, I had my heart set on a pretty princess, who would cry to wear dresses as I did when I was little, however it was so much deeper than that... A child is a child, but the influence and effects that circumstances and chances have on ones life can be detrimental. My fears in raising a son outweighed heavily over those I had in raising a daughter. "I've been there, I've walked in her shoes, I've had the sexual advances from childhood to adulthood. I know the emotions she was going to feel, I understood her teenage heartache and was ready when she realized how vulnerable she had once been. I wanted to put her in her place when she thought wearing heels on campus was cute and that one guy was going to make it to the NFL or NBA and prevent her from making the mistakes and steps I've seen so many take. I was ready to remind her of that friend she lost in elementary and middle school and laughed when she thought it was cool to stay in school - and how history sometimes repeats itself and a fool will always be a fool."
I can only tell the half to my son as I've not walked in his shoes, but don't want to be that bitter mother so many of my friends have become when instead of talking and showing their sons, they're scolding and holding him accountable for their run ins with men. Although I can tell those things to my son, there will be a time when he looks around and doesn' t see the most positive images of men (within) our families... both sides. For generations, speaking for my family only, we've battled with those images of single mothers and distant fathers or fake it - to make it relationships for the sake of the children and still have represented the strongest black women I know. I've come to the conclusion that men are raised to be a provider and lack many other things necessary to maintain a happy household. I will spare you my unreleased book - however what I am trying to say is it will take much more to show my son what is not represented. His mentors of uncles will be scarce and we've never had many boys to begin with so his cousins will be the same. Bilal recorded the ultrasound on his cell phone and hopefully we can figure out a way to post it, but when and if you ever get to see, you will hear my deep discontent when finding out I will be raising a black man.
It's far beyond the pink & pretty, it's more than the color blue... It's me wiping the those silent streams of fears running down my cheeks and thinking, Bilal and I have so much work to do. I don't want to repeat to my son, Langston Hughes', "Life Aint Been No Crystal Stair," or portray the colors of life with too much flair ...so where do you find the balance when that constant positive image seems so rare?
I've seen to many mothers love their sons to a point where they keep hitting the snooze button on the alarm for that wake up call of letting go. I've seen too many fathers allow their sons to absorb more bad than good and regret it when his race is over and he's passed the baton to his son to finish the race. I've seen too many boys, young men and old live in such confusion because their parents lived in such delusion. And while we can strive to break generational, family, and racial curses, what if my son gravitates to all the strong women in his family and wants to begin carrying purses? <-What struggles will he encounter because of the life he chooses to lead from a family that isn't THAT open-minded, but a mother who is?
Oh so many women have so much to say and how I have the ability to make a change... How we can raise this boy to walk with pride and set such high standards for his own life. I've been told that God will guide me. We've been told that God has a plan - that this child's purpose is greater than we can imagine. And so we shall see.... I found myself asking so many questions, changing up my thought process and style. While there are so many similarities in what to do and not to do when raising a girl or a boy, I have to be honest, I lost a little joy and felt much more pressure when we heard... "It's A BOY!!!"
You can spare me the uplifting comments... I'm fine now - I just had to let you know why there wasn't a post about my son until an entire week later. I know he will be the latest, greatest inspiration! Look at his mommy! lol. And his father.. the ultimate entrepreneur ...speaking of....
SCENTSY!! SCENTSY!! SCENTSY!!
We (Bilal) have recently started selling Scentsy!! If you are interested, please let us know! We will be hosting a launch party here very soon and have plans that most of the earnings will go towards our LITTLE MAN!! So help us out and when you hear anyone say anything about SCENTSY, send them to US!!! We are going to go hard in the paint and would love your support! You all know how to reach us, whether it be email, phone, or social network, so get on it!
September 24, 2011: We've been SOOOOOOOOOOO busy running around with so much to do... Lately only making time to feel belly bump kicks and watch Bilal talk to my belly in weird voices saying things like, "This is your father son... You're going to be great!" And him quoting Napoleon Hill motivating statements, etc. We've played music for him... THANK GOD he doesn't react to rap! lol. A violin was playing on tv the other day and my hand went flying up in the air from my belly. I am not sure if that meant it's too loud or that he loved it. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE NAMES WE'VE PICKED OUT... I doubt we will share them because people have WAY TOO many opinions, but it's going to be strong and powerful! Bilal seems stuck on the idea of going to get 3d baby pics... me, not so much. But hey, if he wants to pay for it.... I'm in! lol. He is so weirded out by the ultra sound picture, which has been quite popular already and he wants to see fat cheeks and legs. I hate that we named him Taylor to start, but SORRY to anyone who called him "Tay Tay" or T. - you killed it for me. hahahahaha! We worried about him last night when we were at Cosmic Charlies supporting my cousin Deacon who was doing a concert all the way in from Atlanta. . . the music was loud and at one time i was directly by the speaker. But he is up and moving around today like "where's the music?" YES! I'm determined that he will have much more rhythm than Bilal b/c bless Bilal's heart......... HE HAS NONE. (don't get mad when you read this... I know you're laughing right along with us all).
ok, well we are busy busy again today- in the meantime look up rubik's cube tables!! I saw one in a picture someone had and want one for the baby's room. floor model... small end table stlye. preferably diff colors every so many cubes, however if it's all yellow on one side, etc that's fine too! I can't find them ANYWHERE!!!
LOTS OF LOVE TO OUR WEEKEND OF FAMILY LAST WEEKEND!!! Our parents enjoyed themselves while my mom was in town and my Gran & Aunt Niki made it 10 times better! NEXT TIME WE WILL CALL AHEAD FOR RESERVATIONS ON A UK GAME SATURDAY! When everyone was gone on Sunday .... (p.s. Bilal and I ran down there for dinner! lol)
LOVE YOU ALL!
October 10, 2011: It's been a while since either of us has been able to focus on this website in any way... I'm not even sure if I've looked at it since my last post. Bilal and I have been extremely busy with LIFE - prepping before January as much as possible. The biggest thing we have done since finding out we were having a fierce little boy was choose a name. We went around and around choosing a name... he would pick a name, then I wouldn't like it or I would pick a name then he wouldn't like it, then we would agree, but not really on a name and we wanted something that stood out, but represented strength, but wasn't too "lame & corny" as he states, but I wanted a name that wouldn't be so stereotyped before the boy got the call back for an interview on a job application... Needless to say - we kind of failed at our morals and beliefs to an extent with the name. Well, not totally, but one Sunday we watched the movie, "King," during the new memorial dedication for Dr. Martin L. King and I think there was an understood silence creeping through the room that we both just understood what was going on in one another's minds. Especially after the scene where Martin & Malcolm met and we talked about Malcolm's coming to acceptance of integration in 1964 (a year very important to me also). It had to represent the history of what we stood for and where we've come from. We thought of leaders day in and out there after and still couldn't come up with anything (we liked). We would talk during work hours constantly over email and chat throwing names back and forth, different spellings regarding Malcolm and Martin from... Marking, MalKing, Marcolm and many others. Finally I used this application on the website/application we both have on our phones to put names together. I typed in first names and middle names and last names until one just stuck out. So I sent the link to Bilal and then I simply wrote in our chat convo - King Xavior El-Amin. There was no turning back at this point as the name represents soooooo much for us both in many different ways.
King Xavior El-Amin
We want our son to be faced with the challenges of life knowing & believing in himself as Malcolm X did, but like Malcolm X, also able to recognize when he is wrong and has faulted and strong enough to pull himself out of anything and realize it's never too late to do the right thing, emphasizing self-determination.
We want our son to be influential like Martin Luther King Jr. and to question things he doesn't understand or agree with rather than just going along with society. We want him to succeed above and beyond if not at age 15 like MLK, when it is his time and to excel at levels of education so that he can pass the torch to those who come after him. He will be a leader and not a follower - he will not be perfect , but He will know where his strength comes from and never lean on his own understanding, but that of God only.
And I chose the spelling Xavior to look like the spelling of savior. According to Wikipedia, Savior refers to a person who helps people achieve salvation, or saves them from something. And the pronunciation will sound as such - no need to pronounce with 4 syllables..only 3!
We want our son to know and appreciate the history which his
name stems from and to also know that he can be anything he wants to be, do
anything he puts his mind to or creates in his thoughts - that all dreams can,
will and do come true!
October 10, 2011: There's much to be said since October 2011.... We planned a HUGE (200 person) baby shower with all of our friends and family and were showered in ways no one could imagine!! The love was beyond overwhelming and the shower itself... well, the all white was more than a success! From the all white food to the decorations - the venue was completely transformed!! We still talk about it. I don't want it to go unnoticed that the intimate baby shower thrown by two of my best friends Megan & Misty with my college friends was much appreciated and needed as the family shower in Lexington, well many of you close to me know it was overwhelming. Although Bilal and I didn't plan anything, but the guest list (and our family's kept adding to it) lol - it seemed like we were getting ready for some major Winter party. The mini speeches from EVERYONE (men & women) of encouragement and best wishes to us both brought tears and we cannot thank anyone enough. In spite of life's lessons, this has been NOTHING, but one of most cherished blessings. King is already SO SPOILED it's ridiculous. However, we are grateful. We haven't had to purchase nearly anything due to gift cards and the monetary gifts provided and the things just given to us. Everything has been on God's time and we have not had ONE worry on how to provide for this child.
I will be honest and say that I prayed for NO BABY to be born on my birthday, Christmas, or New Years and now it feels like he is taking his sweet, sweet time and is in no hurry. It's driving us both insane. lol. I think Bilal is more, well I KNOW Bilal is much more anxious than I am and he tell's King to hurry everyday... We go to the weekly appointments filled with such anticipation only to hear, "see you next week!" lol Now that our phones are blowing up with texts and calls of, "is he here yet???" it's making us antsy! Big shout out to Uncle Wali who is moving to NC and the only thing holding up is final route is the birth of his first nephew!
Very Special Thanks to my Aunt Niki who has gone above and beyond with everything for months from playing, HGTV on the entire home and having visions no one else could see, for spending night after night planning and helping in ways no one else has and just being there! Bilal and I can't thank you enough for the years of support you've give us together and apart - helping us with job skills and resumes and "talks," him with school papers, etc! You are loved beyond measure and we thank God for you.
To Our Mothers... It's been a long time since the day we sat on that couch in May... we've endured a lot. We've overcome even more. We still fight battles every day, but one thing that's remained is the love you've both shared, shown us how to give and the support you provide daily. King has changed so many lives already and is shaping everyone's outlook on life in ways no one, but God has been able to put a hand on. We've seen it - you've seen it - it's happened even in you. Bilal says all the time that the purpose for King is beyond us. There's so much more to say, but I will leave it at that and fill in with more in the weeks to come.
Last - I will post pictures from the MOST AMAZING BABY SHOWER A FAMILY COULD EVER THROW IN A FEW DAYS... AND HOPEFULLY A VIDEO THAT WAS MADE ..... AHHHHHH TO DIE FOR!!!